Leah’s Ladder
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
Antonio Machado
Min Ha-meitzar karati Yah, Anani b’merchav Yah
From the Narrow place I called out to God
who answered me with the Divine Expanse
Psalm 118
Rise up oh well, sing to her
Numbers 21:16-17
I was named for weariness
for the exhaustion of women
bearing children in pain and danger,
dying too often. I was named
by my mother Adina, who was named
for fragility and the longing
for resilience. Oh how she cherished my eyes
which others said were weak
but she knew was also my gift
to see what others couldn’t
below the surface, beyond the veil.
No one asked,
do you want to go
into his tent, begin
your married life with trickery,
hiding your name, your face.
My mother had argued so bitterly
with Laban, her face bruised
by his silencing of her. She
dressed me herself, blessing
me tenderly with the prayers of the mothers.
I looked into her stricken
eyes desperate for comfort
and so I told her - Eilech, I will go.
I called from the narrow place
and from the Expanse
I was answered, my firstborn a boy
I named Reuben
for my longing to be seen
and grow up into love.
When the 2nd came
and still I was unloved I said
let this one be called Simeon
for all the ways my voice
is not heard. When
the 3rd came, the loneliness
was like a pregnancy I struggled
to release and I said let this one
be named Levi, this one a red
thread connecting me to love. Each birth
a threshold, between grief
and blessing. I sang to them all,
who knew me as their first most beloved
teaching me daily how to be the milk
of their becomings
and when the 4th child
opened me I was met by the Expanse and I knew love
and so I named him Yehuda, for praise, the stone
over my heart lifted. What abundance
when I was given a 5th son who I named Yeesachar/Issachar
to remember the gifts and rewards of this
life of labor and uncertainty and how wondrous
a 6th son, I who had once been lost in despair,
now given over to exaltation and so
I named him Zivulun/Zeblun.
It was almost a full moon
on the night before
my last birthing when
I was given this dream.
I climbed up and down
a ladder, each rung named
for one of my 6 sons.
At the top of the ladder
there was a man with the merged faces
of my husband and my father. He did
not greet me but pushed me
downwards. At the bottom it was the same
face pushing me back upwards.
Up and down I went tired, frightened
and then at the very
top at long last I was handed a baby
wrapped in a blanket of many colors, a daughter.
I carried her down the ladder
and there waiting for me was
Amatlai my great-great grandmother.
Taking my face tenderly in her palms she sang :
Rise up oh well, Sing to her
and then with these words
handed me a golden shovel:
step off the ladder and dig my
daughter, dig.
I remembered that song the next day
when my labor commenced
with Adina and her mother,
Milcah, Devorah, Rachel, Zilpah
and Bilhah all by my side.
Rise up of well, we sang
and oh what joy, a daughter
joined our tribe of women.
I taught that song to Dinah
who I named for din,
for sacred law and form
and so the daughters passed
this on, a song one day Yocheved
woud sing to Miriam
and Moshe.
Acharei zot: after these things,
my life of birthing completed,
I dug in at long last,
into the once hardened clay of my weariness,
my feet steadied in the the dry and muddiness
of this wandering life
so full of love and loneliness.
And so I turned to the daily tasks
of bread and fire, knowing that
from my body a people was emerging
and through my naming
my gift was given -
a map through suffering
and repair, a path
towards resilience, the dream
of my mother.
My name is Leah,
daughter of Adina, great- granddaughter
of Milcah, great-great- granddaughter of Amatlai -
a well in your midst - push the stone off -
re-dig the wells when they dry up.
I named this people Yehudim
I named you for praise.